The Funniest Fart Jokes Ever

Nothing beats a good fart joke!  No matter how old we get these make us laugh like we are kids again. Here are some of our favorites!

An old lady goes to the doctor and says, “I have this problem with frequent gas. Fortunately, the farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I’ve farted at least 10 times since I’ve been here, and I bet you didn’t even notice!” The doctor says, “I see. Take these pills and come back next week.” The next week the old lady returns. “Doctor,” she says, “I don’t know what the hell you gave me, but now my silent farts stink like the dickens.” The doctor says, “Good! Now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses, let’s work on your hearing.”

Yo momma so poor that when she farted she said clap your hands stomp your feet praise to the lord we have heat.

Everybody Farts Song

A family brings their elderly mother to a nursing home. While sitting in her new room, she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately straighten her up. After a while, she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back to put her upright. This goes on all morning.

Later, the family arrives and asks, “Are they treating you all right?” She replies, “It’s pretty nice — except they won’t let you fart.”

The Farting Hippo

Everytime I watch this video I can’t help but start laughing.  Ha!

There once was an old couple who had been married for thirty years.

Every morning the old boy would wake up and give off an enormous fart, much to his long suffering wife’s annoyance.

“You’ll fart your guts out one of these days,” she always complained.

After a particularly bad week the wife decided to have her revenge and got up early, placing some turkey giblets in the bed next to the old boy’s arse.

While making breakfast downstairs she heard his usual morning fart reverberate through the floorboards followed by a scream.

Twenty minutes later a rather shaken man came downstairs.

“You was right all along Missus,” the old man says, “I finally did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God, and these two fingers, I managed to push ’em back in!”

Drunk walks in a bar and says, “I’ll fart the Star Spangle Banner for two beers.” Bartender says, “Go for it!” Drunk climbs on the bar, people gather round. The drunk then drops his pants, gets on all fours and proceeds to shit all over the bar.

“Wait a minute,” the bartender says, “What in the hell did you do that for?” Without missing a beat the drunk replies, “Hey, even Frank Sinatra has to clear his throat before performing!”

One day a lady walks into a very high class jewellery shop.

She browses around for a bit before she spots a gorgeous diamond bracelet which she goes over to inspect.

As she bends over to look at it more closely, she accidently breaks wind.

She’s very embarrassed and looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident as she prays that a sales person doesn’t appear right now.

But as she turns around her worst nightmare is realized as she sees a salesman standing right behind her.

The salesman stays as cool as a cucumber and shows complete professionalism as he greets the lady by saying, “Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?”

The lady is now a little more confident that she has got away with here little accident and asks, “How much is this lovely bracelet?”

The salesman replies, “Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you’re going to crap yourself when I tell you the price.”

An old married couple are in church one Sunday when the woman turns to her husband and says, “I’ve just let out a really long, silent fart. What should I do?”

The husband turned to her and said, “Replace the battery in your hearing aid.”

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively effect on him.

One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, she’ll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Shortly after that they were married.

A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill effects before he got home.

So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had 3 extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he putt-putted. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.

His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, “Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!” She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek.

At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she went to answer the phone.

While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but also ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him.

He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and RRIIIPPPP !!! It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. He got another urge. This was a real blue ribbon winner, the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning each time with his napkin. When he heard the phone farewells he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it.

Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, “SURPRISE!!!”

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.

A Ballerina goes to the Doctor,

“Doc I am having terrible trouble with the most awful wind, every time I pirouette I fart” she cries.

“Hmmm,” says the Doctor, “I’d like to see that if possible”

The ballerina get up, pirouettes and Phrrrt… Farts loudly.

“Thats amazing, do it again,”

Again the pirouette is accompanied by a loud fart

“Hmmm,” says the Doctor “I think I may be able to help” he bends down and picks up a long pole with a curious barbed hook on the end.

The ballerina starts back in alarm, “What the ~&%$*? are you going to do with that?” she asks,

“Opening the window, it stinks in here for Gods sake!”

A teenage boy is invited for lunch at his girlfriend’s house.
Because he made some bad food choices earlier, he simply has to fart when they’re all at the table.
The girlfriend’s dad shouts at the large dog sitting under the boy’s chair: „Rex!”
Seeing that the father thought it was the dog, the boy is much relieved.
A minute later the boy has to fart again – and again audibly. The father snaps at the dog again: “REX!!”
The boy is relieved again that the father thought it was the dog.
Ten minutes later the boy farts again.
The father shouts: “Rex, come here before that boy craps on your head.”

An Avon lady was along in an elevator when she suddenly had to fart. She promptly reached into her bag and sprayed the air with her deodoriser.

Two floors later a gentleman got onto the elevator. He began to sniff.

The Avon lady asked, “Do you smell something?”

“Why, yes, I do,” he replied.

“What does it smell like?”

“Hmmm, I’m not sure, but it kind of smells like someone shit in a pine tree.”

Want more?  Listen to these insane 100% real fart sounds!